When the Medic Isn't Doing His Job
by Medikit
Summary: RED Medic gets sick and needs some comfort. Well, the team doesn't feel epathetic. So they call his wife. Shenanigans ensue. Be sure to drop a review, it helps improve the story with your feedback!
1. What Went Down

The team always relies on the Medic to keep them healthy. But what happens when he falls ill? That's when they call in someone with even more experience: His wife.

It was a rainy day in the usually sunny Teufort when RED Medic got sick. The day's battles had been finished for a while and everything was settling down for the evening. It began as a cough after dinner and just escalated from then. By nine o'clock, the RED Medic was bedridden.

"What the hell are we gonna' go without him tomorrow?" Scout exclaimed in disbelief and frustration.

"We wait it out. Forfeit tomorrow...we can't do anything without ze Medic around to 'eal us." Spy responded authoritatively.

The others couldn't think of any other solution to the problem.

"Or...we call 'is sheila. I bet that'd perk him up a little." Sniper chimed in from the other room.

"Da fuck is a sheila?"Scout interjected before Spy could say anything.

"'Is wife, you imbecile."Spy sighed, exasperated by Scout's stupidity.

"Fuckin' sicko's got a wife? How the hell did that happen? She musta' been dru-"Engineer smacked Scout on the head before he could finish.

"Now that he's outta' the way...I think that's a darn tootin' solution to our dilemma."The Texan said, throwing his two bits in.

Soldier, Demo, Pyro, and Heavy seemed to have been ignoring the discussion, simply nodding in agreement and everyone went off to bed.

The next morning, Sniper and Spy were rummaging through files on the team, trying to find Medic's files. Spy triumphantly held a thick folder in the air, having found the ones. Sniper let out a cry of jubilation and the two found the number they were looking for. Being ignorant of time-zones, Spy dialed the phone number and waited for an answer.

A voice was staticy on the receiver, "Hallo, Frau von Traube. Und Sie sind?"

Spy understood little German, and was rather confused, "Err...Jean Gruye...I believe I 'ave ze right person."

The woman on the other end sighed, "Vat did Fritz do vrong zis time?"

Spy seemed flabbergasted, "Nothing, madmosielle, 'e is only in need of some...attention we cannot provide."

She laughed, "Vat, is he acting sexually depraved?"

Spy flushed red, "Aha...non, 'e is sick..."

The woman gasped,"Zis is a joke is it not? Fritz is never..."

Spy sighed, "I wish it was, madmosielle."

That evening, a petite blonde woman was waiting outside the door of the RED base, dressed in a knee-length white dress. She knocked expectantly on the door, with no answer. Again she knocked, with the same result. Finally, she sighed, giving up and kicking in the door. "Oops. Did I break zat?" She says sarcastically.

Heavy, who had been going to answer the door, stood awestruck about five feet in front of her, "Leetel girl is strong!"

"You don't say? Now vere ze hell is mein leibling?" She responded angrily.

Heavy, being stupid, did not understand her. By now though, the rest of the team excluding Medic had come to check out the situation. Engie grinned, "Ah, you must be Mrs. Medic!"

She shot him an icy glare, "Zat is not my name, but...ja...I guess I am. Now vere is my husband?"

Spy stepped forward trying to be a gentleman, "Zis way, madmosielle."

He led her to Medic's quarters and left her there. She scoffed and turned the doorknob, opening the door to a gun pointed at her. She squeaked and almost closed the door. "Oh...it's only you..." Medic said quietly.

She heard the rasp to his voice and rushed in the room to embrace him. Medic coughed slightly, "E-Eva...Vat are you doing here...it's too dangerous..."


	2. Why She's the Medic's Wife

Eva gave him a smile, "I'm going to make you feel better."

Medic snickered a little, "You're kidding, right?"

She placed a suggestive hand on his thigh, "Nein, Fritz. Ich bin nicht."

Eva stood up and began to leave, but Medic tugged on her wrist a little, making her stay.

Meanwhile, the rest of the team were playing cards and biding their time. "That girl right done broke our door! I'll be needin' to fix that now." Engie said with a slight laugh.

Scout shrugged, "Eh. I could do that any day."

"I'd like to see you try." Spy snickered, flicking his ashes in Scout's direction.

"Cannae not ge' one moment o' peace 'round 'ere without ye startin' a fight?" Demoman sighed, taking a swig of his whiskey.

Sniper played his hand and took a sip of coffee, "Anyways, I hope ol' Fritz there is gonna' be back to health soon."

Some muffled noises came from Pyro's mask, but no-one understood them. She shook her head and went back to the cards in her hand.

Heavy nodded, "We cannot be babies forever! We need healing man back!"

Soldier decided not to add in to the conversation, instead, he was flicking cards at Scout, aggravating him. Scout decided that he had just had quite enough of this tomfoolerly and stood up, grabbing his baseball bat and proceeding to chase Soldier around the room. "Think fast chucklenuts!"

The other six continued their card game, ignoring them both. Finally, Scout just gave up and left Soldier alone. He got bored watching the others and decided to do some snooping. He started walking down the hall to private quarters and stopped when he heard a soft laughter emanating from Medic's room. He smirked and creeped closer to the door, turning the knob slowly and peeking in. He immediately ran away, screaming like a girl, with an angry German woman after him, leaving the Medic facepalming in his room. Eva caught the Scout and slapped him upside the head, leaving a rather large mark. "And zat, boy, is vhy you don't look into ozer peoples' rooms ven zere's a sock on ze door!"

"Crazy bitch, I don't know what that means! I don't understand Kraut!" Scout replied, out of habit.

He was met with a knee to the groin and a middle finger. Eva walked back, looking stressed. Medic gave her an odd look when she came back to the room. "Mein leibe...Zat probably vasn't necessary...he is only a boy."

She sighed and crawled back into bed with him, "Ah, Fritzy...sometimes I just never get vat ze hell happened to you."

He wrapped his arms around her tightly, "Nozing. Nozing at all."


	3. This is What Happens

That evening, Eva joined the team for dinner. She was not impressed. Pyro had attempted to cook in place of the Medic. It ended with half of the base torched and some burnt meat on the table. Sniper had folded and decided to just let people eat frozen pizza. Of course, seeing as Pyro was now in time-out, it was still frozen. "So...does zis happen a lot around here?" Eva asked Sniper, confused about the situation.

"Nah, usually Medic does all this, forgive me, housework. Most of us can't even put butter on bread." Sniper responded, a stiff piece of pizza in his hand.

"Oh." She said, poking the pizza with a fork. "I think I'll just make myself some soup..."

Pyro looked very dejected in the corner, hanging her head in disgrace. Spy pats her on the head, "You'll be out of there soon."

Pyro pushed his hand away and went back to moping. Eva however, had been watching her the entire time she was making soup. She thought Pyro was a rather interesting character. Eva finished making her soup and went on her merry way back into her husband's quarters.

She came back about an hour later looking exhausted. Scout gave her a confused look, "What? Did he fuck ya again?"

Eva ignored him and turned to the rest of the team, "So...Vat are you going to do for ze battle tomorrow? I mean, you can't really fight vithout Fritz. No offense."

Everyone looked at each other, perplexed. She was right, there were never enough medikits to go around and the ubercharges were ever so helpful. Spy finally stepped forward to speak, "We were going to forfeit. Unless, madmosielle, you 'ave a better plan?"

Eva gave a self-confident smirk, "I'll do it. Can't be zat hard...plus, I fence vith death every day anyvays..."

It was only now that Sniper noticed the Aperture Science Innovators nametag peeking out from under her jacket. Only he really understood what she meant by that. Soldier looked outraged at her suggestion though, "This battlefield is no place for a woman like you!"

Heavy nodded, "Leetel girl will be squashed like bug!"

Demo laughed drunkenly, "Or ye'll be taken by BLU and well, ye don' wan' te know now do ye?"

A rather loud argument threatened to begin, but Sniper silenced it. "I think we should let 'er try. I mean, you all saw what she did to Scout. Not to mention the door."

The three against it were now hopeless and shrugged. Spy chipped in, "Also, I bet she can use ze equipment, non?"

Eva shrugged, "I can figure it out." Then she muttered under her breath, "Can't be much harder zan a portal device..."

Thankfully for her, no-one heard her last statement. Sniper clapped his hands together and stood up from his seated position, "Well, now that it's settled, let's all get to bed!"

Everyone followed his command and walked off to bed. As Eva was walking towards the Medic's quarters, Sniper stopped her. "Ah...Herr Mundy...V-vat is it?" She stammered.

Sniper sighed, "You work for them?" He said, indicating her nametag.

She looked at him helplessly, "J-ja...Fritz and ze owner are...g-good friends...vorking togezer for ze same goals..." Eva started rambling and Sniper just put a hand over her mouth.

"Don't let the others know. Someone'd tell the old lady and boy, she ain't gonna be happy to hear that someone's got a connection to em'."

Eva nodded and turned on her heel, running straight to her husband's quarters, and not looking back. She dashed into Fritz's arms, in hysterics. He held her close, "Eva...vat happened?"

She shook her head, "Ze Sniper found out who I vork for and it's just...you might get in trouble! I don't vant you to lose zis job...I know you like it so much..."

He stroked her hair gently and removed the nametag, "Here...I'll keep zis vith me...und you von't have to vorry about it, alright? Now just sleep...it'll all be better in ze morning."


	4. The Battle

The next morning, the team was getting ready for the battle. Medic was well enough to be out of bed now, so he decided to help Eva prepare. They stood in his lab together, Spy...well, spying on them. Eva stroked Fritz's starched labcoat gently, "C-Can I really vear zis?"

Fritz smiled and touched her outstretched hand, "If you vish to."

She giggled, "But it'll be so big on me!"

He shrugged, "Nothing some pins can't fix."

Eva smirked and pulled him into her by his shirt collar, kissing him passionately.

After she pulled away, Fritz grinned slightly, "Zat probably vasn't vise, mein leibe..."

"Is anyzing I do ever vise, dummkopf?" Eva retorted, pulling him into her, and she started to unbutton his shirt when Spy shifted a little, causing a slight noise.

The two looked directly where Spy was hiding and glared. Spy panicked and rushed out of the room. "Don't 'urt meeeeeeeee!" He cried as he dashed away, with Medic in a comical pursuit.

Eva sighed, taking the spotless white jacket off of it's hanger. She inspected it, shrugged and decided to get innovative. A few minutes later, what was once a jacket was now a dress. She slung the medipack on with some difficulty and dug around for some lighter weapons. A quick look and she found a six-shooter version of the syringe gun, and an Ubersaw. Finally, she wrapped her hands around the Kritzkrieg and lifted it up, then immediately putting it back down. 'Damn zing is heavy...' She thought.

Snooping around some more, she discovered a Quick-Fix in a closet and found it to her liking. Eva stepped out of the lab and ran into Heavy, almost falling off balance. Heavy stepped back, "Is leetel girl being Medic for battle? Battle no place for leetel girl!"

She glared up at him, a mischievous twinkle about her eyes, "I zink I can handle zis."

Heavy watched as she walked away, a little befuddled. "Strange leetel girl..."

In thirty minutes, everyone was ready for another day's battle. Everyone loitered in the spawn room. Spy flicked ashes from his cigarette onto the floor, Engie looked over blueprints. Pyro airblasted for the hell of it, Scout practised his swings. Sniper helped Eva tighten the straps on her long fall boots. Heavy, Soldier and Demo played three-way rock paper scissors. The voice of the Announcer suddenly rang out, "Mission begins in thirty seconds!"

Everyone got into their positions and Sniper reassuredly put a hand on Eva's shoulder, "Just pocket Heavy, no-one will kill you. You're showing too much skin for them to do that." He said with a slight laugh.

She almost slapped him.

Eva heard the call of the Announcer as she ubered Heavy, "Sixty seconds left in the mission!"

Heavy and her mowed down a Pyro and a Scout trying to capture the intel. Out of the corner of her eye, Eva spotted a Spy cloak and run into the base. She disengaged from Heavy and followed in a quiet, agile pursuit. As she reached the intel room, she saw the BLU Spy reaching for the briefcase. Silently, she took out the Ubersaw and stabbed the spy in the back.. He turned around to see his assailant and screamed in horror at the merciless smile plastered on her face. She grinned evilly, a streak of blood on her face and removed the weapon. The Spy slid to the floor, dead.

The rest of the team was in pursuit after her, worried. They all ran to the intel room, Sniper was the first to see the scene. He actually gasped and put a hand over his mouth. She turned around quickly, Ubersaw still drawn, then put it down when she saw who it all was. "Oh. Hallo."

Heavy smiled wide, "Leetel girl is credit to team!"

This was followed by a rowdy cheer from the rest of the team, accompanied by the Announcer proclaiming the end of the battle.


	5. Nutella is Delicious

After the battle, everyone went back to the base In high spirits. Eva especially. Medic greeted the team in a surgical mask and rubber gloves, "I cooked." Was his muffled statement.

Everyone laughed and sat down to their first home-cooked meal in days. Everything was tailored to the person, Heavy got his Sandvich, Sniper got barbecued shrimp doused in vegimite. Spy got some weird French food, Scout a plain hot dog. Engie had a steak, Soldier a burger, Demo some weird Scottish food, and Pyro a salad. For Eva it was a jar of Nutella. This perplexed everyone. They knew Nutella was the best thing to ever grace the Earth, but eating a jar of it by itself, now that was crazy. Spy looked over at her, "Madmosielle...Surely you're eating more than that!"

Eva thought for a second, "Oh yeah!", then proceeded to grab a loaf of bread, "Zere!"

Medic just poked at his salad with a fork, a mischievous smile on his face. "Don't eat it all, you piglet..." He muttered quietly.

Everyone finished eating swiftly and then were left to their own devices. Eva went off to go read a book, as she was bored, and Scout approached Medic. "What da fuck was that?"

Medic laughed under his surgical mask, "It's only an addiction. God knows how she does it!" He said good-naturedly.

Scout dropped his shoulders and just gave up, "So...uhh...How did ya meet that weirdo?" He asked Medic, whose eyes widened behind his glasses.

Medic sat down and sighed, "You really vant to hear zat story? It's a razer long one..."

Scout nodded, and Pyro has joined Scout to hear it as well. The rest of the team somehow found out what was being told and gathered around, sitting on the ground in front of Medic's chair. The German doctor took a deep breath and started to speak.

"It vas Vorld Var Two, und my regiment vas stationed in ze Nezerlands..."

Scout blurted out, "So you were one 'a those goddamned Nazis?"

Medic nodded and sighed, "Do you vant to hear ze story or not?"

"Yeah..."Scout replied, shutting himself up.

"Anyvays, ve vere a mobile army surgical hospital unit, und it vas a razer busy night. Casualties vere coming in by ze zecond. I vas vorking on a patient vhen Major Himmeln called for someone to help and an injured civilian. I didn't see anyone go, so I handed ze patient off to Captain Verner and valked to Himmeln and demanded ze civilian. He led me into a separate operating room, for extreme injuries."

"Zat's vhen I saw her. Even hooked up to IV needles and unconscious, she vas beautiful. Blonde ringlets spread out on a pillow...perfect jawline...ze peaceful look about her..."

Spy flicked his ashes and gave a 'can we get on with it' look in Medic's direction.

He picked up on it and cleared his throat, "Anyvays, I fixed her up quickly and left, trying to forget. I knew she vould have to stay for a veek or so, based on ze severity of ze vounds. So I could get to know her. Vhich vas good for me. Ze next day, I vas told zat ze civilian vanted to see me. I accepted ze invitation vith pleasure. Vhen I arrived, she vas conscious, but zere vas still an IV in her arm. Her eyes darted up to my face and I sat down in a chair next to ze bed. She told me zat her name vas Eva Zufellen and zat ve shouldn't kill her because she vas a full-blooded Austrian and meant ze German var effort no harm. I placed a hand on hers and reassured her zat it vas not our intent to kill her. I can alvays remember ze look of relief on her face at zat moment. Ve talked for a few hours, getting to know each ozer and how ve ended up in our place in ze var. It vas zen zat I started feeling tugs of affection for her as a person on ze inside. I also learned of her strange addiction to Nutella. I eventually left to go do some vork, but my mind vas still in zat room, smiling and laughing vith ze girl of my dreams."

Scout looked at him in confusion, "So how'd ya get her ta marry ya?" He asked.

Pyro nodded in agreement with Scout's question.

Medic smiled evilly, "I'm just getting to zat part." He said, stretching a little and taking another deep breath, "After I had found out about her 'quirk' I searched high and low for just one jar of zis heavenly concoction of chocolate and hazelnut. So I ordered some from ze supply people. I told zem it vas for a special patient. The package vas zere vithin zhree days and I managed to get an audience vith my intended target. Vhen I valked in vith ze package, she just looked so excited. I handed it to her, ze crisp paper vrapping slipping out of my hand. Eva opened it and beheld ze small glass jar contained vithin. She looked at me, smiling, and zanked me many times. But I told her zere vas a catch and she gave me a perplexed look. I told her zat if she vanted it she vould have to marry me. She accepted, hugging me as much as she could and smiled. At zat moment, I zought I vas ze luckiest man in ze vorld." Medic finished, a ditzy smile on his face.

Scout shrugged and stood up, "Meh. I've heard better."

Sniper shot him a look, "But were they real?"

Scout smiled as he started to walk off, "Who knows!"

Medic checked the time and sighed, "Now zen, I zink ve should all get some rest."

The rest of the team nodded and dispersed to their rooms. Medic left last, grinning to himself, "Nutella is delicious."


End file.
